A guide for parents and caregivers of teens aged 13 and above
Friendships, family relationships and romantic feelings can become very important during adolescence. Your teen may spend more time with friends, develop a crush or experience their first relationship or breakup.
You can help them understand what respect looks like, recognise controlling behaviour and learn to treat others kindly. The relationships they experience and observe at home matter too.
- Why this topic matters
Relationships can bring enjoyment, companionship and support. They can also involve disappointment, pressure or hurt.
Your teen needs to know that caring about someone does not mean giving up their freedom or accepting mistreatment. They also need to learn that their own feelings do not give them the right to control another person.
These conversations matter even if your teen is not interested in dating. Begin with friendship: what makes them feel included, respected and comfortable?
- How to start the conversation
Choose a relaxed moment and ask questions that invite discussion:
“What do you enjoy about spending time with your friends?”
“What makes someone a good friend?”
“How would you know if a relationship was making you unhappy?”
“Do you think jealousy is a sign of love?”
“What should happen when two people want different things?”
Listen without immediately correcting or advising. Ask, “Would you like me to listen, or help you think about what to do?”
Avoid teasing your teen about a crush or dismissing a friendship as unimportant. Their feelings may be strong, even when the relationship is new or short.
- Key points to explain
- Respect goes both ways. Each person’s opinions, feelings and boundaries matter.
- Closeness leaves room for independence. People can care about each other while having separate friends, interests and time alone.
- Love does not mean ownership. Demanding passwords, controlling clothes or insisting on constant location updates are not proof of love.
- Consent matters throughout a relationship. Being someone’s partner does not mean agreeing to every touch or sexual activity. Nobody needs to have sex or send private photographs to prove affection.
- Disagreements can be handled without harm. Insults, threats, humiliation and violence are unacceptable.
- Relationships can change or end. Someone may no longer want the same closeness. Rejection can hurt, but it must be respected.
A useful question is: “Can I be myself and say no without feeling afraid?”
- Creating a home where healthy relationships can grow
Show what respect looks like
Listen without mocking your teen. Let them finish speaking. Take their concerns seriously, even when you see things differently.
You could say:
“I don’t agree with everything you’ve said, but I want to understand how you feel.”
Show the same respect towards other adults. Share responsibilities and decisions rather than suggesting that one person should always obey another.
Set clear rules through conversation
Explain expectations about outings, visitors, phone use and returning home. Invite your teen’s views and review arrangements as they grow.
For example:
“I need to know where you are for your safety. Let’s agree on when you’ll check in and how you can contact me if your plans change.”
Make the purpose of a rule clear. Avoid using threats or withdrawing affection to get agreement.
Stay interested without turning every conversation into an investigation
Get to know the people who matter to your teen. Welcome opportunities to meet their friends or partner without embarrassing them.
If you are concerned, explain the behaviour that worries you:
“I’ve noticed they become angry when you spend time with other friends. How does that feel for you?”
Avoid attacking the person’s character. This may make your teen feel they have to defend them or stop talking to you.
Apply the same expectations to all children
Teach everyone to respect boundaries, manage disappointment and take responsibility. Do not excuse controlling behaviour as “boys being boys” or expect girls to keep a relationship peaceful.
If your teen’s attraction or identity differs from what you expected, continue to offer care and support. They should not have to hide who they are to feel safe at home.
Handle adult conflict responsibly
Disagree without insults, threats or frightening behaviour. If you shout or say something hurtful, acknowledge it and change your behaviour.
“I spoke disrespectfully. That was wrong. I will take a break and return to this conversation calmly.”
Do not make your child choose sides, carry messages or solve adult problems.
Where there is violence or intimidation, safety and outside support may be needed. The parent experiencing abuse is not responsible for the other person’s actions. Tell your child that the violence is not their fault and they should not physically intervene.
- A small activity to do together
Read these situations. Ask: “What feels respectful here? What worries you? What could happen next?”
- A friend is disappointed that your teen cannot meet, but accepts their answer.
- A partner demands their password and says, “You would give it to me if you had nothing to hide.”
- Two friends disagree and take a break before talking calmly.
- Someone threatens to spread rumours after a relationship ends.
- Your teen feels jealous and wants to stop their partner seeing friends.
Discuss the behaviour rather than labelling a person as “good” or “bad.”
Practise one response together:
“I care about you, but I’m not comfortable with that.”
End by asking:
“What could we do at home to make it easier to talk about problems?”
You can also read the Bakteens healthy relationships article (https://www.bakteens.lk/english/letsbuildhealthyrelationships/) and discuss its quiz. Your teen does not need to share personal experiences during the activity.
- How to respond to difficult questions
- My partner gets jealous. Doesn’t that mean they love me?
Jealousy is a feeling. What matters is how someone responds to it. It does not excuse controlling, threatening or hurting you.
- My friend doesn’t want to spend time with me anymore.
That can feel painful. Friendships sometimes change. You can ask what has happened, but you cannot force someone to stay close. Let’s think about other people and activities that help you feel connected.
- Someone I like doesn’t like me back.
You are allowed to feel disappointed. Their answer still needs to be respected. Repeated messages, pressure or insults will not make the situation better.
- I want to end a relationship, but I feel guilty.
You do not have to stay because someone wants you to. If you feel safe, you can be clear and kind. If you fear their reaction, we can get help to plan a safer way.
- They said they will hurt themselves if I leave.
Take that seriously and tell a trusted adult or seek urgent help. You are not responsible for preventing harm by staying in the relationship. Do not try to manage this alone.
- What if I have been controlling or hurtful?
Stop the behaviour and take responsibility. An apology does not mean the other person has to forgive you or continue the relationship. We can find help so you learn to respond differently.
- My relationship ended and I can’t stop feeling sad.
I’m here to listen. You don’t have to feel better immediately. Let’s keep some routines and find support if the sadness is overwhelming or affecting your daily life.
- What to avoid saying
Avoid statements such as:
“You’re too young to have real feelings.”
“They are jealous because they love you.”
“You must have done something to make them angry.”
“Just forgive them and stay together.”
“I told you so.”
“If you date someone, don’t come to me when things go wrong.”
Instead, say:
“We may not agree about everything, but I want you to tell me if you feel pressured, frightened or hurt. I will help you.”
- When and where to seek support
Seek support if there are threats, stalking, sexual pressure, violence, blackmail or attempts to isolate your teen. Pay attention to persistent fear or distress.
A relationship involving a much older person or someone with authority deserves particular attention. Listen calmly and consider whether there is pressure, exploitation or an imbalance of power.
If abuse is suspected, do not arrange a private meeting between your teen and the person involved to “sort it out.” Plan for safety and seek appropriate help. If your teen has harmed someone else, take it seriously and get support to prevent further harm.
In Sri Lanka:
1929 — National Child Protection Authority: support for children under 18 experiencing abuse or unsafe situations.
109 / 011 244 4444 — Police Children and Women Bureau: reporting abuse and violence.
1926 — National Mental Health Helpline: mental health support.
1333 — CCCline: emotional and crisis support.
1990 — Suwa Seriya: emergency ambulance assistance.
071 801 5702 — Bakteens/Bakamoono WhatsApp: questions and guidance towards support.
Help your teen expect relationships where they can feel safe, be themselves, respect others and ask for help when something feels wrong.
