What is consent?
Consent means someone agrees to do something sexual with you. This could be a kiss, a touch, a hug or something more. Both of you have to agree before anything happens. Both of you have to be clear on what is about to happen. This means you have to first ask the other person whether they would like to kiss, hug, touch or be touched. You don’t have a right to begin unless the other person agrees. Consent also means accepting that the other person may not want to do something sexual with you.
Your body belongs to you. No one has the right to touch you without your consent.
Why is consent important?
If someone touches your body without your consent, forces you to take nude photos of your body, or forces you to start a romantic relationship, this is a violation of your consent. Even if you this behaviour to begin with, violating consent can lead to physical and psychological abuse in the long term.
What is valid consent?
There are four main principles related to consent. If any of these principles are violated, it could be considered coercion or assault.
- Consent must be given clearly and actively. (CLEAR)
Consent is expressed through words or actions that are unmistakably understood as granting permission. Example: “I agree,” “Yes,” or “Okay.”
Consent is never implied through silence or hesitation. Remaining silent must never be considered as giving consent.
Statements such as “I don’t know,” “I am not sure,” or similar expressions are not considered consent.
- Consent must be given with proper understanding. (COHERENT)
Consent cannot be given if a person’s ability to make rational decisions is impaired, such as when under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Consent obtained when a person is under the influence of alcohol or drugs is not valid consent.
Any person who cannot make sensible logical decisions, or is unable to comprehend who, what, when, where, why, or how due to impaired judgment, cannot give consent.
A person who is asleep cannot give consent.
A person who is afraid of being harmed cannot give consent.
In such situations, actions performed under the assumption of consent are considered a criminal offense.
- Consent must be given willingly. (WILLING)
Consent obtained under any form of pressure or coercion is not valid. For example, “If you love me, and trust me, you’ll agree to meet me in the hotel room.” This is a common form of coercion. At no point allow for “love” and “trust” to be weaponized and used to force you to do something you are uncomfortable with.
Consent cannot be obtained through emotional manipulation.
Consent cannot be obtained through physical violence or threats.
In an unequal relationship of power, consent cannot be obtained from the less powerful individual; such as teacher/student and employer/employee relationships.
- Consent must be obtained at every stage. (ONGOING)
In a sexual relationship, consent must be obtained at each stage, i.e., consent given for one act doesn’t necessarily apply to other actions. For example, consent given for thigh sex is not valid for penetrative vaginal sex.
Legal age of consent
| According to the current law in Sri Lanka, consent for sex can only be given by individuals aged 16 years or older. Engaging in sexual intercourse with someone under the age of 16 is a punishable offense under section 363 of the Sri Lanka Penal Code – “Statutory Rape – Section E”
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This section clearly states that engaging in sexual intercourse with a girl under the age of 16, regardless of whether the girl gives consent or not, is considered a crime under the law. This is born out in cases where girls under the age of sixteen elope, and their partner, if found guilty, may be sentenced up to 10 years in prison.
What can I do if my consent is violated?
If someone attempts to engage with you sexually without your consent, you should immediately leave that space. If necessary, reach out to a trusted adult for support.
In romantic relationships, if your partner touches your body in a way that provides them with sexual pleasure, it is imperative that you consent to that touch. No one may touch you if you don’t agree.
Touching someone without consent is considered sexual assault. If you have experienced such abuse, and are under the age of 18, call the National Children’s Helpline – 1929 for help. If you are over the age of 18, call the National Women’s Helpline – 1938 or the Police Hotline – 119.
If you are unsure how to proceed, get in touch with us and we will help guide you.
If you are unsure how to proceed, get in touch with us and we will help guide you.
How do I decide if I’m ready to have sex?
During adolescence, romantic relationships begin, and we become curious about sex. It is natural to experience these sexual feelings, as during this time the body also begins to produce sexual fluids. Sexual experiences during adolescence are a natural part of development. You may develop feelings and be romantically attracted to a person that you previously perceived as a friend. You may feel shy, and an increased sense of happiness in their presence. You may experience a tingling sensation in your body when they meet your eye. All these happen due to hormonal growth that occurs during adolescence. Holding hands, kissing, and cuddling with someone special are common occurrences during this period.
These thoughts and feelings don’t mean you are ready to have sex. The decision to have sex is one of the most important decisions you will make. This is why according to the current law in Sri Lanka, consent for sexual intercourse can only be expressed after we reach the age of 16. Sex is an informed decision. We need to know how to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. We need to understand the cultural contexts and value systems that may influence this decision.
Some of these moral constructs have led to the misconception that once a girl has sex, she must spend her entire life with that person. The moral construct in this instance includes the concept of virginity. Virginity is not a scientifically provable concept. Everyone has the right to have sex, regardless of how many times. The value of a girl or a boy is not diminished by their decision to have sex.
Your value is determined by the education you pursue, by becoming a productive citizen, and by your compassion for fellow beings.
Only you know if you are ready to have sex. Only you get to make that decision, based on your value-system, which is built on the value system of your family.
Please don’t agree to have sex because your boyfriend or girlfriend wants you to prove your love. Proof of love is accepting “No”.
