A guide for parents and caregivers of teens aged 13 and above
Consent begins with a simple message: your body belongs to you, and other people’s bodies belong to them.
Talking about consent helps your teen understand boundaries, recognise pressure and respect other people. But children also learn from what happens at home: how adults handle disagreements, respond to “no” and treat each other.
You do not need to have all the answers. Start by listening and showing that your teen can come to you without fear of blame or shame.
- Why this topic matters
Consent matters in friendships, family life, romantic relationships and online interactions. Everyday situations offer opportunities to practise it: asking before hugging someone, borrowing their belongings or sharing their photograph.
Sexual consent means freely agreeing to a particular sexual activity, with an understanding of what will happen. Being in a relationship does not give anyone permission to touch, pressure or control another person.
Teach all children both sides of consent: their boundaries deserve respect, and they must respect other people’s boundaries.
- How to start the conversation
Choose a calm, private moment. Avoid beginning during an argument or making the conversation feel like an interrogation.
You could say:
“Have you heard the word consent? What do you think it means?”
“How can we tell whether someone is comfortable with something?”
“What should someone do if their friend says they aren’t sure?”
“Can someone change their mind after saying yes?”
Listen before explaining. You can use a scene in a film or a situation from the Bakteens article without asking your teen to share personal experiences.
Try several short conversations rather than one long talk. If they seem uncomfortable, say: “We don’t have to discuss everything now. You can ask me questions whenever you want.”
- Key points to explain
- Consent must be clear. Silence, hesitation or not resisting does not mean agreement. If someone seems unsure, stop and check.
- Consent must be freely given. Threats, guilt, repeated asking and statements such as “If you love me, you will do this” create pressure.
- Consent requires understanding. Someone who is asleep, unconscious or too intoxicated to understand and make a decision cannot consent.
- Consent is specific and ongoing. Agreeing to a kiss does not mean agreeing to another activity. A person can change their mind at any point, including after something has started.
- A relationship does not remove the need for consent. Affection, gifts or previous experiences do not create an obligation.
- Consent also matters online. Ask before posting someone’s photo or sharing their messages. Receiving a private image does not give permission to forward it.
Explain that a physical response, such as an erection, does not prove that someone wants sexual contact. Also remind your teen that respecting consent is essential, but agreement alone does not remove legal protections for children. Explain that in Sri Lanka legala age of consent is 16 and being sexually active with a child who is below the age of 16 is a crime and that person can go to jail for ten years.
- Creating a home where consent is respected
Respect everyday boundaries. Ask, “Would you like a hug?” Accept their answer without sulking or guilt. Let them greet relatives with words or a wave instead of forced physical affection. Stop tickling when they ask you to stop.
Respect privacy. Knock before entering their room and ask before sharing their photographs. If a safety concern means you need to check something, explain your concern and involve them as far as possible.
Make it safe to disagree. Listen when your teen has a different opinion. Saying “no” to unwanted touch is not disrespectful. You can maintain reasonable rules about safety and responsibilities while explaining them calmly.
Show respect between adults. Children notice whether adults listen to each other, respect boundaries and share decisions. Treating one person as entitled to control another sends a harmful message.
Use discipline without violence or humiliation. Hitting, threatening or shaming a child can teach them that the more powerful person gets to decide everything. Explain expectations and use fair, nonviolent consequences.
When adults argue
Disagreements happen. What matters is how you handle them. Avoid insults, threats and frightening behaviour. If you are becoming angry, pause the discussion when it is safe to do so.
Do not ask your child to take sides, carry messages or settle an adult conflict.
If your child has witnessed shouting or hurtful behaviour, acknowledge it:
“You heard me shouting. That was wrong, and it was not your fault. It is my responsibility to handle my anger differently.”
An apology should be followed by changes in behaviour. Do not ask your child to comfort you or immediately forgive you.
When there is violence or abuse at home
Threats, physical violence, forced sexual contact and controlling behaviour are more than ordinary disagreements. Children can be affected even when the violence is not directed at them.
Do not describe abuse as love, discipline or a normal part of marriage. Tell your child:
“What happened was wrong. You did not cause it, and it is not your job to stop it.”
The person experiencing abuse is not responsible for the other person’s violence. Seeking support and planning for safety may be necessary. Do not expect a child to intervene physically or protect an adult. Where there is intimidation or violence, a family discussion alone may not be safe or sufficient.
- A small activity to do together
Read these situations and ask: “Is there clear, freely given consent? What should happen next?”
- A relative wants a hug, but the teen prefers to wave.
- Someone agrees to a kiss, then asks the other person to stop.
- A partner says, “Send me a private photo to prove you trust me.”
- A friend wants to post a group photograph without asking everyone.
Discuss how to accept a boundary without anger or pressure. Then ask:
“What is one thing we could change at home to respect each other’s boundaries better?”
Let your teen pass on a question. The activity should not become a test or require personal disclosures. Let your teen think.
You can also read the Bakteens consent article (https://www.bakteens.lk/english/letsrespectconsent/), watch its video and discuss the quiz together.
- How to respond to difficult questions
- What if saying no upsets someone?
You can care about someone’s feelings without doing something you don’t want to do. They are responsible for respecting your answer.
- What if I said yes before?
You can change your mind. Agreeing before does not mean you must agree again.
- What if I froze and couldn’t say anything?
Freezing can happen when someone is frightened. Not saying no does not mean you agreed. It is not your fault.
- What if someone tells me I crossed their boundary?
Stop, listen and take responsibility. Don’t argue that they should have been clearer. Respect what they need next, including space.
- What if something has already happened to me?
Thank you for telling me. I believe you. You are not to blame. We will work out how to keep you safe and get help.
If you do not know an answer, say: “I’m not sure. Let’s find reliable information together.” Keep the conversation open and avoid judging their questions.
- What to avoid saying
Avoid statements such as:
“Give them a hug. Don’t be rude.”
“They only behave like that because they love you.”
“Why didn’t you fight back?”
“You should have known better.”
“Don’t tell anyone. It will embarrass the family.”
Instead, explain that respect includes accepting boundaries, and that getting help is more important than protecting a family’s reputation.
- When and where to seek support
If your teen describes abuse, listen calmly. Ask only what you need to understand their immediate safety. Avoid repeated questioning or confronting the person involved before considering safety. Explain who may need to help; do not promise to keep abuse secret.
Medical care may be needed even when there are no visible injuries.
In Sri Lanka, you can contact:
1929 — National Child Protection Authority: support concerning abuse or unsafe situations involving children under 18.
109 / 011 244 4444 — Police Children and Women Bureau: complaints concerning abuse and violence.
1938 — Women’s Helpline: support concerning violence against women and girls.
1926 — National Mental Health Helpline: mental health support.
1990 — Suwa Seriya: emergency ambulance assistance.
071 801 5702 — Bakteens/Bakamoono WhatsApp: questions and guidance towards support.
The message your teen needs to hear is:
“Your voice matters. Your boundaries deserve respect. You can come to me, and I will help you.”
