A guide for parents and caregivers
Children hear messages about how girls and boys should behave from an early age. These messages can influence their interests, confidence, relationships and plans for the future.
Parents can help children question unfair expectations and create a home where everyone has opportunities, responsibilities and respect.
- Why this topic matters
Statements such as “boys don’t cry” or “girls should do the cooking” may sound ordinary. But they can limit what children feel allowed to do or express.
Gender refers to socially learned roles, expectations and behaviours associated with different genders. These expectations vary across communities and can change over time. They are not fixed rules about what someone can achieve.
Learning about gender helps children recognise unfair treatment and understand that interests, abilities and emotions belong to everyone.
- How to start the conversation
Use an everyday situation, advertisement or television programme to begin:
Why do you think the mother is always shown cooking?
Can boys and girls both learn to repair things?
What happens when a boy cries at school?
Have you ever been told you couldn’t do something because of your gender?
Listen without immediately correcting your child. Ask where they heard an idea and what they think about it.
You could say:
“We all grow up hearing certain messages. We can think about whether those messages are fair.”
- Key points to explain
Sex and gender are not the same thing
Sex refers to biological characteristics, such as reproductive anatomy, hormones and chromosomes. Some people are born with variations in sex characteristics, often called intersex variations.
Gender includes the roles and expectations society attaches to people. Gender identity is someone’s internal sense of their gender. Gender expression is how they present themselves, for example through clothing or appearance.
A stereotype is an assumption about a whole group
“Boys are better at technology” and “girls are naturally better at caring” are stereotypes. Individual interests and skills differ, and people develop abilities through opportunity, practice and support.
Gender is also about power and opportunity
Ask who gets to make decisions, who does unpaid work and whose opinions are taken seriously.
The word patriarchy describes a social system in which men, as a group, hold more power and authority. Questioning unfair power helps us build more equal relationships; it does not mean blaming every boy or man.
Everyone has feelings
Fear, sadness, affection and uncertainty are human experiences. Children should not have to hide feelings to prove they are strong.
Everyone deserves respect
A person’s clothes, interests or mannerisms do not tell us everything about their identity or whom they are attracted to. Nobody deserves teasing or discrimination for being different.
- Creating a home where equality is practised
Share household work
Teach all children to cook, clean, care for belongings and help others. Allocate tasks according to age and ability rather than gender.
Adults should share care work too. Children notice who prepares meals, remembers appointments and looks after relatives. We encourages parents to model shared caregiving and challenge stereotypes through everyday behaviour.
Give children room to explore
Offer opportunities in sports, art, science, technology and practical skills. Ask what interests your child instead of deciding what suits their gender.
Check for double standards
Are girls expected to serve visitors while boys relax? Are boys allowed to interrupt while girls must remain quiet?
Safety rules may need to reflect age and circumstances. Explain the reasons and review whether gender assumptions are creating unnecessary restrictions.
Share decisions and listen
Invite children’s opinions on family matters that affect them. Model adults listening to one another without threats, humiliation or domination.
Challenge hurtful comments
If a relative says, “That’s not for boys,” respond calmly:
“We’re encouraging our children to learn different skills and explore their interests.”
Support your child’s identity and privacy
If your child shares something about their gender or attraction, listen and thank them for trusting you. Avoid forcing a label or sharing personal information without their agreement.
- A small activity to do together
Write these activities on separate pieces of paper:
Cooking – leading a team – caring for a baby – repairing a bicycle – dancing – managing money
Ask:
“Who can learn to do each of these?”
Discuss whether you assigned any activity to one gender automatically.
Then choose one practical change at home. Perhaps everyone learns to prepare a meal, or household tasks rotate.
Finish by asking:
“What opportunities would we have if we stopped treating these skills as girls’ work or boys’ work?”
- How to respond to difficult questions
- But boys and girls have different bodies. Doesn’t that mean different roles?
Bodies can differ. That does not decide who should cook, lead, study science or care for others.
- Is crying a sign of weakness?
No. Crying is one way people express emotion. Asking for support can help us handle difficult situations.
- Does a boy liking dance mean he is gay?
No. A hobby does not tell us someone’s sexual orientation.
- What if someone doesn’t identify as a boy or a girl?
Some people describe their gender differently. We can listen and treat them respectfully.
- What if our traditions give women and men different roles?
We can value our traditions and still discuss whether a practice limits someone’s choices or treats them unfairly.
- What to avoid saying
Avoid saying : Boys don’t cry.
Try saying : You can tell me how you feel.
Avoid saying : That subject is too difficult for girls.
Try saying : Let’s find the support you need to learn it.
Avoid saying : Housework is women’s work.
Try saying : Everyone helps care for our home.
Avoid saying : Be a man.
Try saying : Be responsible, considerate and brave.
Avoid saying : Girls must always be quiet.
Try saying : Everyone deserves a chance to speak.
Avoid saying : What will people say?
Try saying : Let’s talk about your interests and what matters to you.
- When and where to seek support
If your child experiences gender-based teasing, exclusion or harassment, take it seriously. Work with a trusted teacher or the principal to agree on protective steps and follow up.
If distress is affecting everyday life, seek a qualified counsellor or healthcare professional who treats your child respectfully. Support should address their needs without shaming their interests or identity.
For abuse, threats or child protection concerns in Sri Lanka, contact the 1929 Child Helpline, available free, 24 hours a day, in Sinhala, Tamil and English.
The message your child should hear is:
Your gender should not limit your opportunities. You deserve respect, and you have a responsibility to respect others too.
