People have a wide variety of human relationships, and it is natural to have different relationships with different people, including family, friends, neighbours, boyfriends or girlfriends, teachers, classmates, etc. These relationships vary in terms of trust, openness, communication, intimacy, power relationships, respect, and affection. It’s natural to feel attracted to someone your own age during this time, and it’s normal for us to have romantic relationships during adolescence.
Romantic Relationships
Love is a powerful feeling that brings about complex emotions. Sometimes, falling in love with someone can be a one-sided experience. It is possible that the other person may not feel the same way about you.
A healthy romantic relationship is characterized by mutual respect, a cooperative bond between two or more people based on values such as communication, trust, and equality.
Effective communication is a very important skill for maintaining a healthy relationship.
This means communicating with each other in an open, honest, and respectful way. It includes listening carefully, expressing your thoughts and feelings clearly, and speaking without causing harm or hurt to your partner or their opinions.
It is important to talk to your loved one about your desires and what you like and dislike.
“I don’t want to exchange nude photos.”
“I want to walk around the lake with you.”
“I don’t want anyone to look at my phone.”
Emotions such as happiness, pain, satisfaction, jealousy, and loneliness may result from falling in love. We may need the support of trusted adults to manage these emotions in ways that do no harm to our education and socio-economic life.
Remember, anyone can fall in love, young or old. It is also natural to fall in love once, twice, or even more than once in a person’s life.
Sometimes violence and abuse can be mistaken for love. For example, when we were children, when our parents hit us or scolded us, you may have heard things like, “Mom hits us out of love,” or “Dad scolds us out of love.” Did you know that striking children is a crime under Sri Lankan law? Similarly, in romantic relationships, if someone hits you and says they did that out of love, it is a signal that you need to reevaluate your relationship with that person.
In a romantic relationship, does one person have to do what the other person says?
“No. A romantic relationship should be based on equality. Don’t be tempted to do something you don’t want to do, even if your boyfriend or girlfriend asks it of you. If you are forced to change your behavior, the way you dress, or asked to stay away from your friends, this is a relationship of power, not love.”
Maintaining a healthy romantic relationship – some tips
Communicate – Resolve Conflicts: Conflicts are natural in relationships. What we need to do is resolve them peacefully. We can make our relationships happier by learning to resolve conflicts through agreement, compassion, and understanding rather than blame. Managing anger is a very important part of resolving conflicts peacefully. Check out this link to learn more about anger management.
Support Educational Opportunities: Support your loved one in pursuing their educational goals. Encourage them to achieve their dreams.
Don’t be suspicious: Try to avoid constantly thinking that the person you love is lying to you. Avoid limiting their freedom by suspecting that the person you love is getting close to someone else. Saying things that imply ownership, such as “You belong only to me,” “You are mine,” “I won’t let anyone else look at you,” or “If I lose you, I will die,” will not help. This is controlling behaviour and the person you love will feel uncomfortable and may even reject you. Remember, no matter how much you love someone, they don’t belong to you.
Be happy together: Engage in hobbies that you both enjoy. For example, if you’re going to see a movie, choose a movie that you both like. If you’re going out to eat, choose a place that you both would enjoy.
Encourage each other: Listen attentively to each other’s feelings and ideas. Offer support during challenging times. Encourage each other by saying things like, “Don’t be afraid, I’m sure you’ll pass the exam.”
Adapt: The nature of romantic relationships may change over time. For example, if your partner goes to a different school, you may have less time to spend together. So, enjoy the time you have together, make it special, instead of feeling sad and angry that they no longer go to your school.
What makes a relationship unhealthy?
Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse is a major symptom of an unhealthy relationship. We must remember that any form of violence, whether verbal, physical, financial, or emotional, is unacceptable.
Lack of communication is a characteristic of an unhealthy romantic relationship. In an unhealthy relationship, partners are unable to express their thoughts and feelings freely, and may engage in behavior that disrespects, belittles and humiliates the other. This includes name calling and disregarding each other’s boundaries.
Controlling and manipulating your romantic partner is another characteristic of an unhealthy relationship. This includes trying to control your partner’s social interactions and/or their decisions and interfering with personal freedom. An example of this is trying to isolate the partner from friends and family. Jealousy and treating the partner as an object (possession) are also characteristics of an unhealthy relationship.
If your partner behaves in a way that puts you down, makes you feel ashamed, or makes you afraid, then there is no love there.
If your partner is trying to distance you from your friends and family, reevaluate this relationship.
If you are being forced into sexual activity without your consent, find a way to end the relationship immediately. If necessary, speak with a trusted adult and get help to end this abusive relationship.
How do we end a relationship?
Ending a relationship can be a difficult and challenging decision. If you want to end a relationship, it is very important to be clear.
Consider the following steps to minimize feelings of pain, sadness, and loneliness that both may experience when ending a relationship.
1. Be honest about your reasons
Examples : “I love someone else”, “I don’t enjoy being with you”, “My family objects to us continuing this relationship and I agree with them.”
2. Show empathy and sensitivity to the other person’s feelings –
Examples : “I know you love me very much”, “I know this makes you sad”, “You have a lot of good qualities,” “I’m sorry this didn’t work out, but this is how I feel.”
3. Avoid blame and accusations. Clearly express how you feel instead.
If you have decided to end the relationship due to violence, there is no need for a discussion. Get to a safe place as soon as possible. If necessary, get support from a trusted adult.
Being sexually active in a romantic relationship
It is natural for teenagers to have romantic relationships and sexual feelings.
Consent is essential for sex. If it happens without consent, it is sexual assault or sexual violence.
Consent cannot be obtained by force. Consent cannot be obtained from someone who is asleep, unconscious, or intoxicated. Remember, a girl under the age of 16 cannot give consent to have sex as per Sri Lankan law.
Consent must be obtained before any sexual activity, such as kissing, caressing breasts, thigh sex, anal sex, vaginal sex, or oral sex.
If sexual feelings lead to sexual behavior, we need to do so safely and responsibly.
Unprotected sex can lead to unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted infections, and psychological distress. If you have experienced such an incident, talk to a trusted adult as soon as possible and get support.
Safe sex can be defined as sexual activity that occurs with consent and mutual understanding between two people who are physically and emotionally attracted to each other, and does not result in unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections.
Remember, sex is not necessary to prove love and trust. There are many reasons why young people may refuse to have sex.
- Some may think they are too young to have sex, and therefore having sex is not a priority in their lives.
- Some may think that having sex diminishes the mutual respect in a romantic relationship.
- Some may feel uncomfortable.
- Some may be afraid of getting pregnant.
- Some may feel afraid of contracting sexually transmitted infections, including HIV.
- Some may feel it would harm their social standing.
- Some may feel their religion, parents, or community expect them to wait until marriage to have sex.
- Some may think it is difficult to access services to prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections.
- Some may not feel ready to have sex.
The brain is the largest and most powerful sexual organ in our body. While it is normal to have sexual experiences during adolescence, it is important to be aware of the negative consequences that can arise from it and how to avoid them.
4 potential negative consequences of sex to consider:
- Contracting a sexually transmitted infection [STI] including HIV.
- Getting pregnant.
- The mental stress of feeling you have done something wrong.
- Your nude photo or video being released without your consent.
Remember, it is essential to be safe when we have sex.
If you are feeling hurt or worried about a romantic relationship, speak with a trusted adult.
